“IM NOT OKAY”

Hear my breath slowly still

As I utter these words

“IM FINE”

Do you notice it?

The difference in my voice

The depths it reaches

The conceited lie

Hidden in those words

It’s never “tell me what’s really on your mind”

It’s never “tell me the truth”

It’s always “are you okay?”

Or “are you fine”

I’m not okay

I’m not stable

At least not enough

To grasp this discerning hold of my life

I lie cuz you’re not looking for my real truth

You ask as a formality

Not that you care

But you’d go the extra length to make it seem like you do

And I do it to get you out of the way

Cuz it’s no help

The fake empathy you feel

To convince yourself you’re doing right

I have this desire to latch onto things

Especially ones that tend to cause me pain

It’s not that it’s exactly desirable

It gives me a reason

I can’t help this claustrophobic feel

Deep down my guts

Choking me

Inside out

I’m trying to do something about it

But I’m so broken

That I don’t even know where to start

I have no idea what to do

IM NOT OKAY!

I don’t crave your sympathy or empathy

And at this point to be honest

I don’t know what matters to me anymore

It’s so obvious

When you act like you give a shit

But I can hear it in your voice

That you really don’t

The short breaths you take

Right before

The slow yet rapid beats that thud

Hoping I’d believe your words of concern

You shove these feelings

Down my throat

Forcing me to accept it

Accept whatever it is you bring

It doesn’t work that way

I know the difference between real and fake

I know what heals and what consumes

If you think you understand me, I can assure you, you have no idea

All this time, it’s been me

Me holding my head and my heart up

Me keeping myself on a leash

Me keeping myself stable

I guess that’s not about to change

I’m not okay

And that’s fine

I have my days, as do you

I don’t judge you

But I sure hope you know I know

That, that facade you put up

Doesn’t fool anyone

I more than anyone can see through it

Through whatever wall you put up;

I’m not trying to break into it though

It’s designed to keep people out

You’ll take it down

When the time is right

But as for right now,

You’ll need it to get better.