"MEMORARE"

Remember when all we knew was love;

Pure, deep, raw, exposed, blind.

A perfect acclimation to mutuality,

A sonnet we could sing with our eyes;

We thought we had the world,

We held on tight, hearts embraced,

Lips locked, gaze fixed, heated eyes,

Hopes held high, full of drive,

Trust, compassion, dedication,

Truth, honesty, appreciation,

Reciprocity, generosity, solemnity,

Sincerity, passion; love

We had tough times

We fought, argued, bitched up

We cussed out, we got mad

We disagreed, we tore at one another

At the end of the day

All I could think about was you

How you made me feel

What you meant to me

Your smile, your touch

The warm embrace of your soft body

Graciously caressing mine

Cold summer; hot winter

We found ways to make things work

We’d always work something out

It really felt like it was the two of us

Me and you vs the world

I don’t know much about love

The intricate, yet delicate emotion

Confusing yet ever so alluring

Pure yet deniable

The feeling of ignoring yourself

But yet looking for yourself in someone else

It’s not validation yet it is

It’s merely simplistic yet sophisticated

The little I know I’m glad I shared with you

Those months were everything I could want

You gave me all I could ask for

You gave me everything

You gave me a reason to live

You gave me a reason to learn

You gave me a reason to be

The little I learned I owe to you

I’m sorry I couldn’t reciprocate it

The love you gave

So whole-heartedly

So pure, raw, undefiled

I’m sorry I was incapable of giving you better

I’ve hated myself for so long

Meeting you made me forget that

You brought new light to me

I really was learning to love you

The way you wanted

Pure, raw, defined

Passionate, affectionate

I just needed to remember to love myself too

I admit; it was overwhelming

Learning my capabilities

Balancing self love and selfless love

I got scared because I started losing myself

My thoughts

My personality

My perception of reality

All I needed to do was quiet down

And accept it the way it was

Accept you

The way you were (perfect)

If I could take it all back I would

Every single moment I made you unhappy

I’ll take back every time I made you sad

I’ll take back all the pain I caused

If I could go back, I would

I’d go back and make you happy every second

Of every minute, of every hour

Of every day

Why does it take losing what you have

To realize you had it?

I knew how special you were,

I just didn’t think I deserved it

I spent days, hurled up

Red eyes, soaked pillows

Crumpled tissues

Running nose

Knowing I was going to lose you

Because you deserve better

You deserve the world

And everything happier

I’m sorry I can’t give that to you

I’m sorry I’m not enough

I’m sorry my crippling imperfection

Got in the way of your happiness

Nothings just ever been so real

The tension, climax

Peak heights; emotionally radiating

Spamming every direction

I can’t say I’m not at fault

I’m not giving excuses

I have a lot of regrets

But I never regret being with you

Not one second

I’m sorry I neglected you

Because I was inefficient

And didn’t want to hurt

But you didn’t care

You gave it your all anyways

I held myself back because I knew

I’d never seen your muse before

Your passion, ever so graceful and full

Your life, ever so vibrant, and radiant

Your intentions, clear and concise

Your heart and your love, so pure

I want it all back so bad but I don’t want it

You deserve someone who’d love you undoubtedly

I hesitated because I let my imperfections linger too long in my head

I let myself get absorbed by my flaws

You saw something good in me despite that

You loved me wholly

No one has ever

Not one person

You want the truth?

I do love you, even though it’s in my own way

Even tho it’s not perfect

Even tho it’s flawed

I loved you because you meant everything

I really meant it when I said i wouldn’t mind getting married (haha)

I was working towards that because you changed my views

You made me realize what I meant to you

I just needed more time to make myself realize what I meant to me

That’s all I needed

I let you go because I had to

And that will always haunt me

I got overwhelmed by how much good

You saw in me that I blew it

My actions were unjust and unjustifiable

And I take full responsibility for them

I’m sorry for making your heart ache

I’m sorry you had to go to sleep with tears in your eyes

I’m sorry you had to clench your heart so tight

I’m sorry you didn’t get what you deserved

I can’t sleep without seeing your face

Or breathe without remembering your name

I can’t move without remembering your touch

Or speak without picturing you

I miss you

Your body next to mine

Cozied up in bed

Cuddling, happy

I miss the forehead kisses

The play fights

The lovemaking

The long hours we spent talking

The days we’d do goofy shit

I miss your smile my God

The way your face lit up

When I got you flowers

When I gave you surprises

It was never about buying you things

To win your affection

Or attention

I’m a difficult person to understand

And that’s okay

I guess that’s why I couldn’t love you the way you wanted

And I’m sorry for that

I don’t feel the same

I feel like a part of me is missing

A big part of me just left

And isn’t coming back

I know that is the harsh reality I now have to face

Because of the choices I chose to make

And I can’t change that

But I can make progress

I may never get you back

But you’re the best thing that happened

To me in a long time

I can’t forget that

I was happy

Just not with myself

M.G.T