"CONFESSIONS"

Depression, crippling anxiety, pain,

Sadness, anger, hurt,

Tears, sorrow, mischief,

Agony, heartbreak, denial

I could pick one and describe how it feels every single step of the way. Waking up, feeling suffocated; can’t breathe, can’t move, can’t say a single word. Only thoughts cross my head in that single moment. I really don’t wanna be alive anymore. Why am I here? Who am I here for? What has being here changed? What am I doing here? I constantly face this each morning, having a battle to get out of bed or not; not knowing what the day may hold. When will it all just end? Fast forward to minutes after, I’m up, all dressed, programmed and ready to go. Bathe, brush, dry off, put on clothes, head out. Eyes staring, fierce looks fix their gaze upon you as though they want to consume you, your heart starts racing, palms sweating, your temperature rises as your lips dry up and you can barely speak. The tension builds; you try to break it but can’t say a word and you’re forced to avert your gaze, and walk away in haste as you cower in silence. You feel the rapid beats and pumps, the loud thuds of your heart echoing in your ears, sending vibrations through your eyes, quivering your senses till you literally have to stop and breathe in as much as you can. It hurts, it’s still hurting isn’t it? You keep going. Then there’s conversations; they keep you guessing.. what do they really want from me? Do they like me? Are they faking it? Do they mean those things they say? You question it all from start to end. The paranoias start; you question everyone and everything around you, you question yourself, you question reason itself! You realize it’s getting no where. You’re frustrated, misguided, annoyed, confused, uncertain, uncomfortable, rejective, lost, hopeless, unsettled, filled with rage; you’re angry. You want to let it all out so bad but you hold it in so tight. It’s bottled up and stacking, amassing senile concepts that would defy reason. You’re hurt, you’re hurting, you can’t control it, you cut; you can’t let it out so you lock everyone out to keep them from knowing the truth. You’re in pain, constantly, every waking moment, you crave what every one has but you can’t have it; your sanity is yet to be won back, the fight for your life is still far from over. I can’t count the sleepless nights. Crouched in bed, thinking so hard, tears welled up in your eyes, barely letting a single drop roll down your left cheek as it drops and is absorbed by the pillows; your solace to the madness; where you let your screams and tears go because no one else could possibly understand. Is this what it feels like? To resent something so much, it sickens you! I hate it! I hate everything! I hate you! I hate that you can’t be normal! I hate that you’re incapable of feeling like everyone else! I hate that you force yourself to be alone! I hate that you have to feel isolated! I hate that you’re this way! I hate it! I hate it! I can’t stand it! It makes me so mad, I’ll hurt, but I’m not capable of hurting anyone so I’ll hurt myself. It pains me to do this  but I have to. You don’t have to need their attention to validate your existence, do you? You’re right! You do! You don’t know why you’re here! So you’re looking for the answer in other people? You think that’s gonna help? You crave a reason to define it, define you, what you are, why you’re here, you crave a reason to exist. It haunts you, the things you’ve done, to people, but mostly to yourself! What you’ve put yourself through! You don’t deserve love you emotionally derailed piece of shit, you’re nothing, nobody. You can barely look people in the eye and yet you seek validation! You’re a joke. A laughing stock! A pitiful excuse for a life, and frankly you don’t deserve it. You can lie to yourself as many times as you want; tell yourself things that aren’t true, make yourself forcefully believe that you are something your not, but the truth is you’ll always be nothing! A simple good for nothing nobody cares or gives a shit about because you’re more insignificant than the reasons you crave so desperately. Evening falls. You’re back home; this programming is coming to an end; you take off your clothes, have a bath, brush, clean up, and hop into bed. 

Here we are again back to square one. Wondering if I’m going to wake up the next day, in; this body, this bed, this room, this house, this city, this country this world. Again, barely conscious, laying there, lifeless and still. Searching... endlessly for an answer. For a resolve. Till you realize; everyday you’re alive is a different program, one much worse than the other. You wouldn’t understand how many times I’ve been confronted with that option; taking the easy way out? Yes that! I trust you’re better than that even if you’re at your lowest point. We can do this together now, can’t we?

M.G.T

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