SILENCE

I am afraid.

Each time I close my eyes,

The vast, endless space

Never seems to end

In my thoughts

Lay confusion, and paranoia

Far beneath the harsh exterior

Buried in the past

My blemishes,

My battles,

My wars,

My truer self.

They haunt me,

The things I once loved;

They torment me,

The ones I sought to protect.

In my waking moments

I am numbed by pain,

Shortness of breath, and

The abysmal descent into the dark.

I cannot wrap my head around it

The harder I push

The harder these memories

Fight back

Each time I suppress them

They simmer deep down

Waiting, waiting,

For me to lower my guard.

They leak out 

And I feel the rage,

The hate, the spite, 

The anger.

I feel my blood boil

So much I forget to breathe,

My lungs cave in 

And scream for air.

This feeling 

Shuts me down inside out

But the 'fits' 

I look forward to.

In those moments,

My desire to breathe

Come nowhere close

To the cravings for death.

Such moments

Bring me pleasure.

Cursed with mental affliction 

Quite unfortunately so.

I have learnt to quiet down

And listen to the voices 

Deep beneath the surface,

In the midst of the madness.

My body acts on my mind,

My mind collects my thoughts, 

My lips speak my demise,

And my heart, It echoes silence.